I TYPE AS I THINK. I CRY AS I TYPE. *READ

just let me write. i don't care whether i'm making a constructive post. just let me write. he's so mean! actually, he caused me a bucket full of tears, today. he fooled me, i'm trying to forgive. it's not that easy. im still in a state of shock. i tried to get rid of this anguish and dionysiac yet i feel like there's nothing i can do to make myself feel better. im getting worse every minute. i try not to shed tears and yet i still find myself here, in front of the monitor, crying..... typing... then crying. i hate this. i can't set my----- totally-out-of-this-world brain. i hate him. maybe today. will i tomorrow? maybe not. another thing is that, i easily forgive him for damages. why cant i say these words straight, "what sorry can do if the damage is done?". ugh! i hate everything around me! i never get affected bt people like this. not like the way he affects me. readers, he's not my boyfriend. just a best friend. i dont know. i'm not making sense i know. this entry is my outlet, my form of expression, my safe harbor, my pain killer and my relief to uncertainty. i'm not trying to be conspicuous. im really, trully, madly, whatsoever word that goes with it, i'm beyond hurt! how am i suppose to calm myself down? i all i want to do is shoutttttttttttttt. but of course, i should block the urge. it's not proper. what i know now is that i begrudge the person i love so much. he's more than a friend to me. hate it! i really dont understand what i feel. not even a friend could help. i was, i was------------------- so LIFELESS. it took me 10 years to finish washing the plates. i bet my cousin noticed my weirdness. i have a lot to write. actually, a lot to REPEAT. there's nothing more to what im saying now. it's all about PAIN, GRUDGE, RANT and GRIEF. i suppose i have to end here. bye!