BLIND ME, please.

BLIND ME, please.

I walked down the strenuous streets, noticing every activity that was visible to my retinas. I came across a blind man and thought that he was luckier to have not seen actions that would trigger heart aches. It felt quiet odd walking alone with emptiness wrapping up your whole thoughts. I came rushing down to our place just to pour out another sentiments i quite kept for some time.

i always feel like crying and i wonder how things give me the creeps that easy. I read a blog from my elemtary-till-high-school classmate, Mykee, and she was talking about some Bipolar Disorders. Honestly, i was thinking that i'm nearly hitting the symptoms of a person diagnosed with one, or maybe im overthinking.

I am mad at myself for being too expressive. Filipinos have a nature of conservativeness in girls. traditionally, boys are the only ones who's got the right to express and court their love interests. i am mad for being unable to keep my feelings to myself. well, yes, i wouldn't say what i feel for that guy directly but by just one glimpse of how i treat him or look at him gives the people their correct conclusion. I always tried to hide it, i just can't. I am not DESPERATE, i just can't pretend i don't care at all where in fact, i do, so much.

I just don't get it why love is something beyond the control of the mind, something beyond my unconscious level of thinking. Sometimes it's too much to bear. Lucky are those who are in the good side of love. Why can't a person stop abusing the person that's giving off love for him? i mean, the fact that one can't even repay the love back is too much for hurting the one who does love. Like if you don't love someone or can't love him back, just shut up and accept that someone's done things without asking you to return the favor back. why should one say "eeew, just not you, you really suck! stop loving me..." etc. Because i can even tell you guys, you who do not appreciate at all, if the heart could only be taught or programmed to stop loving someone, it'll be very easy to take off and just give you a kick in the ass and tell you, "yeah, right. you aren't worth loving, either. gotta go to someone who knows how to be grateful". if only...

Everyday when i start gazing into the bright rays of the sun, or even when i shut my lids off to sleep, i'd say to myself, i should forget him soon, he's not the type to give happiness and contentment to a longing heart like me. I always play a film without sound in my head, a film compiling all his unlawful deeds and loathsome actions towards me. all these are enough for an ordinary person to get mad, but not for me who's strongly holding on to the thought that someday, maybe somewhere down my pathetic life, he would learn to love me. not for me who is deeply in agony, someone who suffered enough, i won't give up, not now. maybe when the right person would be able to make me feel that I've had enough and that i should go for him because he knows how to calm me down and deal with my worsts. maybe, just maybe.

so today, everything's quite random. i'm still in my introduction and i still wonder how this thing will end. will it end soon or end not at all? we'll see. the drama has just begun.